Sega Genesis System Pictures Article

Back in ye olde days of videogame journalism, reviewers were still blazing the trails of what we now call “standards” and “good taste.” Admittedly, it was tough for those guys to judge the finer points of level design and gameplay when the very concept of flashing lights and moving pictures set them all atingle. So, for this special edition of The Rest of the Crap, EGM asked me to leaf through 173 old issues in search of classic games to re-review using today’s modern sensibilities (and my uncanny ability to notice when a game about coloring is utterly retarded).

Regardless of how the death beast thing plays out, some readers may be even more alarmed to see that I’ve taken a couple liberties with EGM’s mom-tested, nerd-lunchtable-approved scoring system. But you know, there are certain moments in life when a boy becomes a man. For me, it happened in the backseat of an AMC Pacer at the ’82 World’s Fair in Knoxville. For you, it may happen on the next page when your brain gives up and calls an armistice with the image of a troll riding America’s most phallic snackfood. Emerge from the chrysalis, my little pupae. No one can hurt you now.

Little Nicky

Game Boy Color • Ubisoft • EGM #139 — In its original review, this game got more compliments than a fat girl at a pie-eating contest. Far away from this review, in a place I like to call reality, Little Nicky is a lethargic platformer with generic graphics, beeps for a soundtrack, and sloppy control. There are genital diseases you’d rather get for Christmas than this game.

Original Review Excerpt: “Nicky moves with the grace of a hand-drawn cartoon, and the environments he traverses are filled with intricate details (hell never looked so terrific). Equally impressive is the quality of the audio—there’s generous helpings of voice samples, and the heavy-metal soundtrack of the movie is capably emulated.”

New Review: Originally, this game got a very strong , but in the reviewer’s defense, he probably wasn’t prepared for it. When you go from playing hundreds of normal games to a disaster based on an Adam Sandler movie, it’s understandable that something in your head pops. In contrast, I reviewed Little Nicky between Rainbow Brite Racing and Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Bra-Removing Showdown, so I was in a state of mind capable of giving this wretched game the score it richly deserves.

Old Score:

New Score

The Lawnmower Man

Super Nintendo • THQ • EGM #55 — Some historians from the horrifying future year of 2023 have complained that the release of this film was the exact point in time when retarded people got the idea to take over the world. Luckily, the videogame version skips over most of the film’s plot and gets right to the part where Pierce Brosnan and Jenny Wright fight off 3,000 army men with laser guns. It plays a lot like Contra—if Contra sucked and were loosely based on lawn mowers and special education.

Original Review Excerpt: “Well, the movie wasn’t the greatest, and this game pretty much follows suit. The graphics are average but still OK, and the sound isn’t the greatest, but the virtual reality sequences are eye-grabbing and must be seen.”

New Review: There was a time when I also would have given The Lawnmower Man a high score, but now that my mind has exponentially expanded by actually playing it (which is startlingly similar to being reeducated by a magical virtual-reality brain hat), I give it a zero. A zero that I’m more than happy to illustrate by levitating the cartridge with my mind and using it to punch a zero-shaped hole through all nearby skulls.

Old Score

New Score

Putt-Putt Joins the Parade

3DO • Humongous • EGM #54 — Since this is a kids’ point-and-click adventure game, clicking on objects doesn’t put them in your inventory for use later in dumb puzzles. Instead, clicking on an object makes all hell break loose. Click an apple and it will jump from the tree, break-dance, and then explode. Click a flower and it will spin around and make out with a mushroom. None of it helps you get any further in the game, but according to the original reviewers, it is “educational.”

Original Review Excerpt: “You may call me insane, but I can spend hours watching this one. Putt-Putt is perfect for all ages, though the blood mongers will probably ignore it. So far it’s the best for the 3DO. Who’d have thought that a little car could be more fun than shooting down gunfighters?”

New Review: This game claims to be for ages 3 to 8, yet all of the reviewers admitted to getting sucked in by its delightful noises and moving colors. Granted, if you know an infant who owns a 3DO, it might have more fun with Putt-Putt than it would chasing a string, but not if it’s a string that makes noises. If you’re making sense out of the letters on this page and it’s not being used to wipe spit off your chin, consider Putt-Putt’s score a .

Old Score

New Score

Pink Panther Goes to Hollywood

Sega Genesis • TecMagik • EGM #52 — As far as side-scrolling action games starring cartoon cats go, Pink Panther Goes to Hollywood is actually in the top 60 percent. One reviewer inadvertently put that dubious achievement into perspective when he called the game “a good alternative for people who really liked the Chester Cheetah game.” That being said, if you really liked Chester Cheetah, you’d be perfectly happy with a game that gets a running start out of your Sega Genesis and rams itself up your body cavity.

Original Review Excerpt: “Well, it was probably only a matter of time until this guy showed his pink puss in videogames, but now he is here and he is rather pleasant to play! The graphics are surprisingly good, plus the sound adequately conveys the mood of each level.”

New Review: The first time around, EGM gave this dull pink mess the kid-gloves treatment, handing out 7’s like they were goin’ out of style. So, in order to reduce the average score to a reasonable level, I’m going to give the game a -16 and report that Pink Panther Goes to Hollywood and Putt Putt Joins the Parade were seen passionately kissing at Bugs Bunny’s Crazy Castle.

Old Score

New Score -16

Super Troll Island

Super Nintendo • Amerisoft • EGM #53 — In this game, you are a hideous troll doll who must color black-and-white backgrounds. Maybe I’m just being too much of an art snob, but I thought that the concept of coloring things was already a little played out by my Dukes of Hazzard activity book. And while the first reviewers acknowledged that the trolls’ speed is dangerous, that hardly does justice to how out of control these creepy little bastards are. Trying to finish coloring a level is like attaching a paint bucket and a jet engine to an ugly baby and throwing it into an elevator.

Original Review Excerpt: “Whoa! Wait a minute. This is an interesting concept (turning black and white lands into color), but the incredibly fast speed at which you travel leads to many unintentional errors—like running into enemies!”

New Review: The old reviewers handed out some seemingly high scores to, well, what boils down to a game about troll dolls and coloring. Looking back now, it’s obvious that the reviewers were just being sarcastic and postmodern. Way to go, guys—you really fooled us! But now, the fun’s over. I’m going to take a no-nonsense approach to this and give it the score of Troll Riding a Hot Dog.

Old Score

New Score: Troll Riding a Hot Dog

Rocky Rodent

Super Nintendo • Irem • EGM #50 — If you’re looking for a platformer that will confront you with visions of your own mortality, you’ve found your suicide assistant in Rocky Rodent. Here, you’re some rat mascot thing in sneakers who uses his carefully constructed ’tude and an elderly woman’s idea of outrageous hairdos to fight enemies. It’s such a failure, you can actually hear the marketing committee’s grand plans for the Rocky Rodent animated series and hair-flavored breakfast cereal cracking apart as you plod through the levels.

Original Review Excerpt: “The latest whizzin’ whirlwind critter for the Super NES! This one can get in some hair-raising situations—literally! Not only can Rocky Rodent quickly run and jump, but he can use a variety of hair styles for attacks! These include a whip-like ponytail, a boomerang mohawk, a sword spikey top and even a giant spring! Hair-raising!”

New Review: After suffering through a few hours of Rocky Rodent pain, I was fully prepared to give it a score of negative zero. But after rereading the original exclamation-point-filled, hair-raising review—where it’s described as hair-raising twice—I got caught up in the hair-raising fever! One hundred points! It’s totally hair-raising!

Old Score

New Score 100