Having proved he's not immune to the lure of cold, hard cash by deserting Barcelona for Real Madrid, it came as no surprise to learn that young Figo's antennae started twitching when Graeme Souness enquired if he'd like to end his career playing for huge amounts of money in front of tattooed and topless Geordies week in week out. "There is an interest there as far as Figo is concerned, but we do not want to say any more at the moment," bawled an uncharacteristically lost-for-words Souness to an uninterested old lady feeding some ducks on the Tyne. And with Real so eager to get Figo off their wage bill they're happy to give him away, talks between Newcastle and the player's representatives are ongoing, with the Portugeezer apparently eager to test himself in the Premiership for a whopping £. So will Newcastle get their man? With a gaping Nightclub Patrick-shaped void on the payroll, surely there's room in the dressing room for another continental mercenary with not too much left in the tank?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"He made unwanted physical overtures to me. At his flat on one occasion in 2003, he tried to hold me close and kiss me while I left. On several occasions when we were alone in the lift together, he would try and kiss me on the lips. I would rebuff him" - Faria Alam tells an employment tribunal about FA chief executive David Davies' alleged sexual harassment.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Guti reckons the only place he could play after Real Madrid is Arsenal.
No town is big enough for pie-lovers Mark Viduka, and Yakubu, so small wonder the fat Australian is leaving Middlesbrough. Massimo Maccarone, Szilard Nemeth and Joseph Job may also be offloaded.
Liverpool legend Bruno Cheyrou will finally leave Anfield for good. OK, for Sochaux.
Karim Essediri has sniffed that he's got no serious offers to consider. Which won't please Leeds and Crystal Palace. They want him, see.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Liverpool will be seeded for the first round of next season's Big Cup, which means they can look forward to a tussle with the likes of Total Network Solutions or Kazakhstan's FC Kairat Almaty.
Radhi Jaidi's decided he doesn't fancy leaving Bolton after all, and says he'll be happy to sign a new two-year deal when he gets back from international duty.
Algerian boss Ali Fergani has been sacked after defeat to Zimbabwe saw them out of qualification for the African Nations Cup.
And closer to home, scruffy former Weymouth player-boss Steve Claridge has been confirmed as the new manager of Millwall.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Great gag about 'Clive Woodward's English Lions' in yesterday's Fiver. I bet you get lots of patronising, smug emails from imbeciles who didn't get it, accusing you of being stupid or anti-Celt" - Geoff Turner.
"Re: the 'English Lions' (yesterday's Fiver). Has it occurred to you that the team might actually be more correctly termed 'The British & Irish Lions'. Tut, tut, Fiver!" - Gavin Dudley, Aotearoa (plus Max Newton, Jimmy Poland and Alastair Connor).
"Re: yesterday's news in brief. Is there a connection between the fact that the FA has refused to reveal the identity of three players banned for allegedly using drugs and the very next story - Bongo FC trio Kenny Cunningham, Clinton Morrison and Mario Melchiot having been given permission to report back late for pre-season training?" - Richard Lane. [No there isn't - Fiver Lawyers].
"I am sure Chris Rea is a Boro fan, as in the build-up to the 1997 Chelsea v Middlesbrough FA Cup final, he was interviewed by the BBC where he professed his love for Boro. He also said he wouldn't be at the final as he was recording in Germany. Not that big a fan then" - Steve McCormack. [Wot, no Driving Home For Christmas, but not for the FA Cup final gag? - Fiver Ed].
"Re: Celebrity Rotherham fans the Chuckle Brothers (yesterday's Fiver letters). I suggest to the powers that be at Millmoor that they 'do a Watford' and invite their most famous sons to perform a concert at the ground to improve their club's financial standing. Elton John's gig last Saturday at Vicarage Road was a sell-out and I can think of no reason why the Chuckle Brothers could not do the same for the Millers" - Neill Brown.
"I can't understand why more quality players don't step down the Stairway to Heaven at Half Penny Green airport, Wolverhampton. What more could any fading Premiership star want than a fat retirement pay cheque and the sight of Robert Plant's dishevelled blond locks waiting for them at the bottom?" - Richard Hazeldine.
"If you don't put an end to this Fantasy Fiver (Fiver letters passim) thing, you'll soon have idiots trying to get ridiculous phrases printed in order to get 15 bonus points and wipe the smug smile off the gurning face of that wally in recruitment. Ridiculous phrases like ... [Letter cut due to space restrictions - Fiver Ed]" - Phil Coxon, Birmingham.
"In your transfer rumours section please can you link Manchester City with some decent players, even if you obviously have to make it up?" - David Cooper.
"Re: my own letter about Ashley Cole's engagement (yesterday's Fiver letters). Does the Fiver love Cheryl Tweedy? It would explain the substitution of my 'a month's salary on an engagement ring for the lady you love' (what I sent in) with 'the lady I love' (what appeared). This must go down as a point for the PR types as another example of a lazy hack who can't even copy and paste" - Michael Keegan.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph at most please - to .uk .
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
British Eurosport: Confederations Cup - Greece v Japan (6pm)
This week's riff is about your holiday nightmares, which is handy because that's exactly what John Fagg wants to tell us about.
Germany v Argentina and Tunisia v Australia (10pm)
"My special lady and I went to stay with a mutual friend and her family in a town in northern Morocco. Among the suggested activities was standing in attendance at a distant cousin's wedding," says Mr Fagg, setting the scene.
Five: Confederations Cup highlights ()
"I dutifully donned the traditional Moroccan outfit supplied by her brother and - slightly concerned that he was wearing a suit and tie while I was sporting bright yellow pointy slippers paired with a hooded robe not unlike those worn by the Jawa people in Star Wars - set off for the wedding.
Sky Sports 2: The Hong Kong Soccer Sevens (7pm)
"As it turned out, these relatives were less well-to-do than my friend's family and a number of 'toughs' were present.
BBC Radio Five: Sport On Five (7pm)
" Also, as the wedding was segregated along gender lines, my friend and girlfriend were in another room and none of the men spoke English. And, without a single exception, the other male guests had favoured 'Western dress,' many choosing to imitate the style of their favourite American hip-hop artists.
Talksport: Evening Kick Off (7pm)
"I spent five hours staring at the floor surrounded by hard, inebriated brutes ... while decked out in what appeared to be a ridiculous parody of their national costume."
Newstalk 106 (.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"Psychological torture!" Has your R&R ever taken a similarly testing turn for the worse? Tell .uk, marking your messages The Summer of My Discontent.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at ./football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * *
WE'VE BITTEN OFF WAY MORE THAN WE CAN CHEW
